FOR MY HEART UNBROKEN

To my perfect delight:

It’s almost crippling- this feeling I have because what do you do when your heart beats a little faster, your cheecks flash a little redder and your thoughts are fully and wholly consumed by it. 

I remember the day we first met and I cannot for the life of me tell you how many times I’ve tucked tight in my bed reminising the events of that first meet. I remember everything in brutal detail. I remember the first time you smiled at me, the first time you spoke to me, the first time you hugged me, the first time you kissed me. I remember my knees going just a little weak and my heart beating just a little faster. I remember how everything else faded away and for a moment I could swear it was just you and I. It was perfect. In that moment, we were perfect. Under the stars but deep in your arms. If I never said it before, then goddamn, it felt magical. 

The magic grew with each passing day that I saw you. For a moment it felt like my fairy godmother was always with me, sprinkling just a little bit of wand magic my way and then you’d appear. You were my perfect dream. I remember waiting up late for my green light to pop up- my favorite notification. It was amazing how easily a ‘Hey’ from you could make me smile. And knowing you each day made me believe in this magical thing- this beautiful, perfect us. And dammit I loved it! 

But then, that’s the thing about magic love. It’s not real. It is just but an illusion. By the mind, for the mind. And now I feel trapped. Because I thought you were godmothers gift but it turns out, you were a magical trick. An illusion. A fairy tale- only now I don’t see us having a happily ever after. 

The sad truth is- when we met we were both looking to escape. To escape reality. To escape life. To escape hurt. To escape imperfection. We both wanted a safe space. We both needed a safe space. And, darling I don’t know how hard I make your heart beat or how weak I may have made your knees but I do know for a fact that our safe space is lost. 

Because all you seem to do now is break me and hurt me and fill me with never ending doubt. What do I feel? What do I want? Do I want you or the image of you? Do I trust you or the image of you? Because you are a reality- a reality that scares me but your image is an illusion – an illsuion I love to believe in. 

I want you to wake up and tell me it’s okay. Tell me that just like everything else, this is me overthinking things. That my mind is in a continous state of turmoil for no reason because you are here, and you won’t leave. You won’t fade away. The magic is not dead, we just need to learn new tricks.

And honey I will smile. And I think for now- a certain smile is all I want. 

But you can’t can you? Because just like me- you are in a world uncertain. 

And you have no idea how greatly that kills me. 

So goodbye my love. Goodbye. 

– Broken Pieces

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