MATHREE AND ME 

So, today I was in town and after I finished doing my business I got on the bus to head home. So the woman sited next to me was chatting on her phone and I happened to accidentally look at who she was talking to and the name on the screen made my heart stop! Literally. Well not literally because that would mean I died huh… Though I kind of did die a little I mean how many times can life mock me with this! And oh, if you haven’t realized by now, I’m not telling you what the name on the screen was, that would be total invasion of that sleepy woman’s privacy. 

Anyway, this piece that I am writing sited on my mom’s toilet seat because I just watched half an hour of dead of summer and promised myself never to camp ever again in my life was inspired by the two names on that sleepy woman’s phone.

Okay, the title for the post is Mathree and  Me so what I decided to do was write the types of people boarding a mathree has turned me into. Okay, let’s embarrass me some more.

Nosy Nancy

I don’t usually mean for this to happen. I mean what am I supposed to do when the matatu has been telling us to say Demakufu for twenty minutes  and traffic is slow? This accidentally happens almost all the time when I’m in a mathree (matatu) and someone is busy staring at their phone. I once read a woman’s conversation with a guy who I believe was hitting on her and it made me cry- literally. I shed a tear because of how bad he was at his game and why was she still replying?

Man: Hello ma dear..

Woman: Hi Martin* (Totally made up)

Nosy Nancy: Who says ‘ma’ instead of My anymore??? 

I would tell you the rest of the conversation but it brings up too many painful memories! In a nutshell though from Safari Park to Ruiru Bypass, they talked about how bad the traffic was and how he wishes he was a sweater so that she couldn’t feel cold and how he wishes he was an umbrella…. I can’t even!

Sleepy Susan

Just like every other Kenyan or human that commutes, there is just something about sleeping in the car that is heavenly! I mean one time I slept so hard that the car did two rounds with me in it. Yes people I just said ‘did’ and ‘two rounds’ in the same sentence. Moving on!

Another time I dreamt that I was eating this really great meal that I can’t remember but when I woke up I was drooling (Trust me, I know) and I screamt a little when I saw the jibaba sited next to me. You don’t even want to know the first thought to pop up in my head before it dawned on me that I was in a bus.

Daring Diana

I kind of had to let daring Diana go because I realized she was causing me more harm than good. For instance, I always used to continue texting whenever the car was at Githurai and this is the place where you get and everybody becomes suspicious of everybody. Phones are stacked in the most unnatural places.

But there I was in daring Diana mode happily laughing because Ifella wouldn’t stop talking in French and this pissed off Cheruiyot which pissed off Loopsy which cause Oure and Barongo to also look for their google translate which cause Nelson to write 15 continuous texts which caused Rahma to laugh which in turn caused Rahab to kirimorize  the Fella which caused me to not see the guy take my phone and ran away.

The guy didn’t even care that I had just invested Kshs 400 in a new phone case and that I had just come from a TB interview so I really needed my phone!

*The names of the characters in this section are purely works of fiction. They are fictional journalism students who have a fictional whats-app group so fictionally believe that this part has any  relevance. 

Tropical Truphena

First of all, I tried to think of other names that began with T like Teresa or Terry or Tracy but I couldn’t so I went with Truphena. So, what does tropical Truphena do? Simple. I use an approximate of Kshs 100 to buy Tropical Mint Sweets which I eat as I cruise down the Muthaiga to Town traffic. 

I mean I used to but at the rate at which girls are being drugged by something as simple as a flyer, I don’t think tropical Truphena will be tropicalizing anytime soon. Sob* 

Wavy Winfred

Winfred is a girl’s name right?

Wavy Winfred gets excited at the prospect that she will see other human beings along the way and get a chance to wave at them regardless if whether they wave back. Seeing as to how Wavy Winfred has been here since high school, I’m pretty sure that they always wave and smile back. Sometimes they even blow kisses!

Wavy Winfred is such a doll!

Rich Rebecca

Rich Rebecca comes along when I tell my dad I want to go to town for something that sounds important and he gives me a lot of money. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am grateful because immediately I start to think of all the food and other useless things I can buy but then when you board a mathree at Githu to town, it’s 30 shillings. So, when you give the conductor Kshs 1,000 he has no option but to kick your ass out of the bus! 

Rich Rebecca also pays for Purity’s to and from fare. I hate Rich Rebecca because she quickly turns into Broke Brooke.

Broke Brooke 

Once a friend and I were coming from Juja to see our lovely Kasema. Yes, Kasema is actually a person! After we bid Kasema goodbye and went our way, we realized that we didn’t have enough money to get us home. Now, my friend, Ruth had a 10pm curfew because she had ‘class’ and I had a 4pm curfew because I was 16 and hormonal and I always got home a little close to many hours after my curfew.

Anyway, Broke Brooke and Ruth realized that they had 20 shillings combined for a journey that was supposed to cost them almost three times as much! Luckily Ruth had a good tongue and I had a pretty smile that got us to Kenyatta University (K.U.)

It was around 8pm when we got to K.U and from there to Kahawa Wendani was maybe half an hour’s walk. Then from the stage at Kahawa Wendani to my place was maybe 20 minutes walk. All in all, all I can say is it wasn’t a good night for Broke Brooke or Ruth.

Okay, I’m done. 

Remember, if you don’t share this post with your friends, you are a Mean Mildreda! 

I apologize for any typos, this was so random it hurts and I really won’t edit it coz that would kill the fun of it. 

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