So, I was on tinder for a while(don’t tell my dad) and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship or anything though I must admit it would have felt amazing to have my cake and eat it at the same time. (No pun intended or maybe just a little). Anyway, I made a profile and everything and I was stuck when it came to updating my bio because I had no idea what I was looking for in a guy. What I was looking for was an experience that would make my blog even bomber (is that a word?) and it’s not like I could just write, ‘On Tinder to basically get dirt and write a bomb piece on my blog.’
I have to admit that this was by far my favorite Tinder moment. Swiping left or right, why you ask? Well, naturally I’m the type of people that look at you for 3 hours and in our heads, we are deciding whether we like the way you chew or not also known as Introverts. If we are friends, then rest assured that I once sat in a corner somewhere and watched you closer than the FBI is watching El Chapo. I would have made a lame attempt at a joke because Mexican’s most powerful drug Lord’s name is Chapo but seriously, I like my life.
Anyway, swiping majorly entails you as the tinderer (totally made that up) looking at a profile and deciding if Donald 26 who is 12 kilometers away from you is suitable to sire those 5 kids you’ve always wanted. So, if you swipe right it means you like someone and you would like them to be a candidate for the baby daddy, hubby who calls me 500 times a day contest. If you swipe left then it means that you don’t like Tasha 23 who likes to live it up and doesn’t know the difference between a serving spoon and a spoon. (Wait, what?)
Majorly, why I enjoyed this section so much was because each time I met a new profile, I would spend some time just looking at them and Kira, Boo and Guy( my imaginary friends-featured in my Wattpad book by the way) would tell me what they think. Guy is my imaginary boyfriend who buys me flowers every Tuesday alongside a box of pizza- yes people my idea of romance entails a lot of food. Anyway, we really enjoyed dissing Noah 25 who was 67 kilometers away because he took a selfie with his mom and dog (Seriously Noah, go out and built an ark or something- leave mom alone!)
First came swipes, then came matches. So basically after you swipe right and another guy or girl swipes right then you have a match and you can start grilling them about how functional their nuts are and if their mom would mind a garden wedding on the beach. I matched with a few guys, thankfully in Kenya because God Forbid I fell in love with Pedro Jesus(pronounced as Hesus) 24 who was 90 kilometers away and enjoys punchos and bull fights . Pedro Jesus, is Kakamega low-key your Mehico?
Anyway, I really clicked with two of my matches and I almost forgot that I wasn’t on tinder for love but Carter was really really really good-looking and Noel lives in Runda and is a med student! I mean seriously, who doesn’t want to be asked out by a doctor who lives in the finer parts of Kenya and by a guy who looks like Neopolitan? I was almost in love with Tinder!
Only my best friend will ever understand what the Moz is and she knows how badly I wanted the Moz. The Moz is my teenage dream and somehow after promises of meeting the Moz,5 months later, here I am sitting here writing about how I have not met the Moz(seriously P?) Anyway, I found the Moz on Tinder and naturally like I do with most of my life, I sent a screenshot to my bestie because she needed to know the Moz dream was almost becoming a reality. She was more excited than I was because somehow, we planned a wedding in the moon with a reception in Saturn because it has rings(obviously) and a bride price of an all expenses paid trip to see the aliens. (It was perfect).
HE STOLE MY HEART!
It was a gentle Friday night and the earth was moving so well and the air was a little stuffy but still breathable. There I was, sited in perfect weirdness talking to Guy about his jealously issues because of the Moz, I mean I was flattered but it was getting a little out of hand. Then it happened! He stole my heart! I was so preoccupied with Guy that I didn’t even get to savor the moment or watch him as he did it. He stole my heart and ran a thousand miles away. What do I mean?
In simple English, It was Friday night, I was sited in a mat thinking about how late I was for my sisters birthday when this guy, medium height,hoodie and maybe lightskin (for shame) just hopped onto the mat and then snatched my phone and ran away. Away with my dream wedding on the Moon and away with my maybe restaurant date with Noel the med student who lives in Runda and away with my Saturday drinks with Carter ho looked like my favorite ice-cream and away with whatever I fella was talking about on the ‘Fourth Estate Group’. Life is hard for those whose phones get stolen in Githurai.
Anyway, that is about as much fun as I had on Tinder and even though I didn’t expect anyone to steal my heart, the reason I wake up and brush my teeth at am everyday( you know coz of the alarm) they did. They stole my heart so quick, I barely had time to breath or think or say goodbye to the Moz especially.
Do I plan on getting back on Tinder? Haha, I mean next I could meet Micheal Clifford 20, rock star at 5SOS and looking for Esther and boo-ya-aah there I am getting married on E! with Lil Wayne on my back-row guest list. Guy isn’t particularly happy that we are inviting Wayne- hes afraid he’ll pee his pants like the last time we saw Wayne smh!)
Dear Single People who will die alone will 9 cats and a dog name Donald,
Tinder helps you meet the ones who will die alone with 25 cats and three dogs named Brake, Clutch and Two by Two (Ssup Trevoh Noah) then you won’t feel like such a failure!