Both my exes texted me the other day, it was a little funny how simultaneously those texts came and for a moment I thought that an ex movement was formed and these devils were trying me.
Ever seen one of those cliche, over produced, highly exaggerated high school movies where girl likes boy, boy is popular, boy breaks girl’s heart and girl eventually falls in love with the boy that she had ignored and they live happily ever after. Yes? Then good because you have an idea of what my first campus maybe sort of kinda relationship was like.
I met this boy in one of those stories that if we ever got married would be both awesome and awkward to tell. It was one of those things that just happen and I lost my mind over him pretty quickly. He was a little tall, probably the most handsome guy in my year – ha! And funny. He was an extrovert that ran with his squad and I was an introvert still trying to figure out what hair color I liked best.
As time went by though, I guess the nature of who he was and who I was and how fast things were going got to him and he bailed- well he cheated with what I refer to as a downgrade but ah well. Story is, it stung A LOT! I remember my roommate and I choosing playlists that related to how I felt, my sister would find me crying with eyes so swollen it hurt to open them. It was rough for my 18 year old self.
As time went by though, I got over him and I was happy again. Happy but a little damaged. That’s the story of the first ex.
Probably an year later, I met the second ex. By this time, I was 19 and I think I had done more self damage than most people. It was a carefree time, a time of my life and I liked it. I enjoyed it and I really didn’t want it to end but then he came along.
He was an okay kind of guy. I mean by this time I had been round so much chaotic, carefree sort of guys that his cool and kept self was what attracted me to him. Song requests turned into texts that turned into drinks that turned into food that turned into dating.
With this guy, it was more of a justification phase than it was a relationship. Our communication was majorly factored by: I didn’t do it or Well, I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing to do. We argued about everything and that seemed to be how we adapted to talking to each other. After really terribly handling the last cheat in my life, I had made it clear that I really didn’t want to be cheated on. I mean, who ever does?
Long story short, it happened again but this time instead of crying every time ‘Half a heart’ came along, I decided to confront the situation head on and when that didn’t work out, I found myself in months of maybe relationship status and being too scared to walk away because well, “I love him”. That was the dumbest notion I had in my life.
When I finally decided to move on and take his mate with me, I felt pretty good. I remember crying one time because there is nothing I enjoy less than being lied to. Lying to me builds up this deep frustration and I think I had handled enough of his lies and when I was done throwing a tantrum, I walked away. That was around December 2016.
Now in July 2017, almost 6 months later, when my life is a bit better not marred by the strain of relationships, here they come along. Not one, but two of them! Memories of my life marked by months of self doubt, tears, lies and tolerance that could have won me an Oscar.
I laughed a little when I read those texts. They didn’t miss me, I didn’t miss them. They missed the memory that they had of me. In my first relationship, I had invested too much. I had too much feeling, too self giving, too generous with my time and my resources. I guess he missed having someone that was almost on beck and call for him. In my second relationship I adopted a more sit still, look pretty, get mad and get over it kind of attitude and I guessed he missed someone that could tolerate his every mood and almost beg for five minutes of his time. So…
You don’t miss me , because you don’t know me now and you definitely didn’t take enough time to now me then. I guess though, not everyone realizes that when some of it glitters, baby it is gold and cursed is the fool that settles for less.
You cannot miss that which you never knew and I was there but you just missed me. I got over you and you got over me and this little ‘confession’ is just but flashes of the “what if’s” I no longer have interest in.
The well hath runneth dry but no darling, I have no interest in filling it up.