Hey. Me again.
So currently stuck in traffic, as always.
My friend Frank told me one day my phone would be stolen because of my matatu blogging but been there, done that was my response.
Although the last time my phone was snatched in a moving car, I was laughing at the #ifellaroast.
Now I kind of miss school, Frank see what you’ve done. Sigh.
Any who, it’s currently 18:44 and we have been in the same spot from about 18:43, so yeah.
I got out of work at around 5:30pm and got to town at around 6:00pm and if I’ve never said this then, that was the best thirty minutes of my life!!
Well, at least to the best of my goldfish memory.
So, I board a matatu at Waiyaki Way and rush to get to the driver’s seat.
18:47 we are moving people!
So many potholes though… Hey typos!
Where was I? Driver’s seat? Well not his seat seat like hapo mbele.
I used to top in English back in the day. Sigh.
We drive in silence from Westlands with just some slay queen music playing and then we get into a little traffic at one of these roads.
About 15 minutes later, we’re at the UoN gate and some people alight and not many board, so we leave.
Then something grabs my attention, a Coast Air bus had an accident along that route.
At first I don’t pay much attention because it seems like a flat tire but as we move along, the bus catches mine and the driver’s attention. It’s got cracked windows and the front is very messed up!
“Hiyo ni bus gani?” (What bus is that?) Layman. Sigh.
“Coast Air.” I say. Never heard of it.
18:53 at Pangani now, more traffic.
We move along for about 15 seconds before traffic catches up and he slows down.
He does the classic Nairobi driver yelling at other drivers who are yelling at other drivers and I laugh because he tells this guy in a Vitz that he’ll pick up his car and throw it into the river.
Cliche but funny still.
“Wewe macho nne endesha hiyo chura yako vizuri. Wacha umama!”
Quick diversion, have you ever wondered how conductors don’t fall when collecting fare and the bus is moving?
Really bugs me coz I’ve seen the struggle, naah I’ve been in the struggle!!
Okay, back to the Vitz.
Wait, did I mention this was a pink Vitz? Because it was a deep deep pink Vitz.
Okay so we move on. More traffic at Globe Roundabout then the good stuff comes.
Driver: “Imagine kuna kadame kamekasirika ju sijareply text.”
Me: (looks at driver confused) haha (looks ahead)
Driver: “Unajua nlishakaambia mimi ni driver, na sasa kamekasirika. Nitaendesha gari ama nitatext msichana mimi?Hiyo si ni ujinga.”
Me: (I guess we are doing this) “Sana btw, wasichana hukuwa na ujinga saa zingine.”
Driver: “Ama unajua (looks at watch) inaweza kuwa ni ile saa ya mwezi.”
Me:(He uses his watch to predict period patterns, huh) Btw inaweza kuwa ile time. Mbembeleze tu.
Driver: Kamenisumbua sana mimi. Kwanza kanasema hakajatoboa.
Me: (Well this escalated fast. Roll with it? Yes. We do it for the blog) Hahahahhaha siku hizi hakuna mtu ametoboa.
Driver: Lakini kama ni hivyo, mi nitakaoa.
Me: Atakuwa bibi mpoa btw. Lakini make sure huyo unambembeleza sana. Tunapenda hivyo.
Driver: Unajua mimi bibi yangu wa kwanza alienda America, akapata mzungu na unajua wazungu vile wamakuweka kila mahali. Aliniwacha. Hata text hawezi reply. Miaka nne!
Me: (I think I’m his best friend now) Heh! Miaka nne? Pole aki. Wazungu btw waogope hiyo sector. (What I’m I saying!!! For the blog Ess, For. The. Blog.)
Driver: Na aliniwachia twins hata. Nliwaambia mama yao alienda na ndege na hijarudi bado. Ndege ikirudi pia yeye atarudi.
Me: (My mom told me she bought me at Uchumi when I was born so…) Huyo sioni akirudi.
Driver: Lakini haka kasichana vile nimekapangia… Nitaharibu. Na vile baba yake ananipenda! Akajua ninanyemelea tu! Nkimaliza hapo ni yeye atakuwa ananitafuta. Ameringa siku mingi sana.
19:12 Kahawa Sukari
Me: (They all say) Hahahha sawa. Good luck. Wacha kishuke sasa.
Driver: Si tupige round ingine tuongee?
Me: (Opening the door) Heh, hapana. Bwana yangu ananingoja. Next time lakini.
Driver: (Moving the car) Usitoke kwanza. Number ni? Nishafika 07…
Me: Hizo number zingine nitakupee tukipiga round next.
Current conductor: “Eehhh bypass shuka na jam za haraka…”
19:35: Two men are currently peeing under a church sign board next to my estate gate.