By the time you’ll be reading this, I shall be at the place where the skies meet the stars in a harmonious perfection. So let me begin by saying, mama I’m sorry.
Like all sad stories, mine also begins with a boy. He was wonderful mama. He was the sort of boy that made me feel a different kind of special. He always seemed to say the right thing at the right time and in just the right way. He made me feel safe mama, wanted, loved and despite your advice to always keep my eyes open, I was constantly blinded by what I thought was a love eternal-My Perfect Cinderella story.
I know mama. You are probably shaking your head and thinking that I should have known better. That you raised me better. That I deserved better. But mama, it was a crippling kind of love. The kind of love that made me see no fault in his eyes, no flaw in his being. He was perfection for me.
So when the news that I was with our seed came through, I was not scared, I was not sad, no mama, I was elated. At that moment mama, I was walking on the moon! Because here I was, about to complete this perfect love with the perfect bundle of joy. You should have seen my face mama, you should have heard how beautifully my heart beat in that moment. It was the perfect moment for my perfect love.
But then it wasn’t. It wasn’t a perfect love and I was not going to have a perfect bundle of joy with my perfect man. All I said mama was, Baby I’m pregnant! Baby, did you hear me, I’m pregnant. For us. It’s finally going to be completely perfect.
Then the end began.
It wasn’t the hesitation in his voice or the roughness in his tone that made my heart drop mama, it was the betrayal in his words and the spite as he uttered them. He didn’t love me anymore mama. He wasn’t ready. Was I sure? What was perfect? He had a life! Was it even his? He had heard things and this proved it. Don’t call me again. Leave me alone. Click!!
For a moment mama, I thought I was in one of my nightmares. And so I tried to open my eyes mama. I wanted to open them and realize that my perfect cinderella story was still in play. That somehow the director had not yelled cut on my perfect story. But each time I opened them mama, the reality of it all hit me a hundredfold.
And now I cannot breathe, I cannot feel my heart anymore mama. And it hurts. It hurts a terrible deal. I am lost mama. I am scared. Because mama, I’m pregnant. And it’s not perfect. It hurts. It aches. It cripples. I haven’t moved for days mama… I seem stuck in a sorf of limbo and I cannot pull myself back.
Mama, I’m pregnant. I have thought a million times over how excited you would be to hear the news– if only now was 10 years later and all your dreams for me had come to life. But it isn’t 10 years later is it mama? It’s 10 years too early and my heart cannot bear the thought of seeing you dissapointed. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Sad.
Mama, I’m pregnant. But worry not- when the skies turn a beautiful red tonight, we could be happier maybe even better. Shall I know peace mama? Will the place where the skies meet the stars let me rest mama? Or will the demons of my future past haunt me? Will the blood of my innocent keep me forever restless?
Mama, I’m pregnant and I want you to hold my hand and tell me it’s okay. I want you to do what he was unable to do for me. To love me- perfectly. I don’t want you to be upset mama, I don’t want you to cry, I don’t want you to worry! I want you to smile and tell me it is still my perfect moment and that you and I can create a perfect picture still with my perfect bundle of joy!
But I realize mama, that that would be asking too great of a deal from you! And I am far too ashamed to watch you try and smile as this tears you apart! Maybe I am a coward mama, for choosing this, for going down like this. But mama, I do not want to carry on like everything is fine. I am trying to be brave for you mama but at the same time, I cannot face your breaking heart!
Mama I’m pregnant and tonight at sunset I shall take my baby and I to the place where the skies meet the stars in perfect harmony!
Mama… I’m pregnant but above all mama, I am sorry!