Be a loner. That gives you more time to wonder. To search for the truth. Have holy curiosity “Make your life worth living.”
Life is short. Live it well.
I don’t like change that much. Change contains a lot of unknown and not being certain of what will happen freaks me out.
However, I do enjoy change. I don’t like it but I enjoy new beginnings, deeper meanings and the difference that comes about with change.
I’m no stranger to change. I have reinvented who I am about a hundred thousand times just trying to get in touch with a me that’s actually me. Make sense?
Today though, today change changed.
I got robbed last night and to clear my head I decided to go to the rocks.
Keep in mind, the last time I was at the rocks, my then boyfriend and I were having a fight over why the fuck he thought a trip to the rocks at 7pm after he’d blown me off all day was a great idea.
Also, keep in mind it was Valentine’s Day that day. But I had liked the peace that came along with the rocks. In my mind, it was an introvert’s safe haven.
On that day, apart from the disappointment of expectation and young love, I had received a gift. The universe handed me a place that felt somewhat safe in all it’s unfamiliarity.
I didn’t want to deal with the fact that this was another blow life had thrown at me despite the fact that I couldn’t be downer.
I thought about posting up a blog about how I was feeling at that time because emotion equals masterpiece but to be honest, I wasn’t feeling shit.
I’ve lived with these demons long enough to realize when it’s time to stop fighting and start dancing to the tune.
So after about an hour of trying to find a padlock, my friend and I headed to the high place. With my mind altered just high enough to shut out the world, I took in the view before me.
There was a whole world going on and I was watching it. From a distance. A safe rocky distance. Then I started to think.
For a brief moment, I thought about my life. I thought about my mom. I thought about my best friend. I thought about the boy I love. I thought about the rocks. I thought about Misfitly Wild. Then I started thinking about the thoughts I was thinking about.
Then the thoughts hushed down and I heard myself tell myself: Life is Short. Live it well.
I have this friend. She’s smart and really pretty but she’s mean as a dog. So she met a boy and she became infatuated with him. I mean this guy is everything. He is a bit of a nerd, tall, handsome, sweet and a hopeless romantic.
During the onset, she was super excited about the idea of being with him and we sent back and forth screenshots of conversations that made my heart swell for her and endless texts of what could happen, what should happen, what will happen?
Then they got together and now she’s a little freaked out. It won’t work. She can feel it in her gut, it just won’t. What to do?
I told my friend in more words than necessary: Life is short. Live it well. You will love when you love, things will work out when they work out and if they end, then they end.
Why spend so much time thinking about the end while you could be enjoying the right now? The boy is heavenly, make sure you enjoy every last bit of him. Laugh when he cracks a joke, be mad and call him out when he gets into some bullshit, listen when he speaks and let him adore you for as long as you can.
And if you wake up at midnight and your heart tells you, ‘It’s just not what we want.’ Then leave. Because life is too short to live it worrying about: What if?
Just. Fucking. Live. It.
And trust me, it’s easier said than done. I have began my journey of living life. I’m making steps towards fulfilment. Baby steps but steps nonetheless.
I have cried a record one time because of my stolen items and my life being turned upside down because this theft, it opened up doors I would have preferred to keep shut.
But what’s the point of crying over spilt milk? Shit happens. Move on.
So, I’m living life the best I can given the circumstances. I read more, write more (even though I end up not publishing those works) and every time I feel some type of negative vibe creeping in, I tell myself: Life is short. Live it well.
And I’m slowly beginning to believe it.
Don’t catch me when you see me fall into the abyss of my mind. Raise your glass and let us toast to my slow insanity.
It’s really fucking hard to understand me as a person. I mean, most days I barely understand myself. I wake up in the morning and I want to reinvent who I am.
I want to change. Then the afternoon rolls up and I’m knee deep in some type of depression because: I’m I not happy with myself?
I have so many people that carry with them different versions of who I am. I used to think that maybe it’s because I’m misunderstood but then I learnt that it’s because with each encounter, we allow different people to get in touch with different versions of ourselves.
It’s basically the same person, different forms.
Like Mawi in Moana. I love Mawi.
But the questions that still lingers in my mind is: Who truly I’m I? Do I even like that person? Did I give birth to Misfitly Wild to escape the fact that I don’t quite enjoy being Esther?
My biggest problem has been navigating through relationships with the burden of not truly knowing. It’s hard when you expect other people to understand you before you understand you.
And that was a big part of me dating: Will you please care enough to not get tired of trying to navigate me? Will you find me? Will you love me so hard that I am no longer scared that I am not loved enough?
It’s insane because it’s too much pressure for one person and I often come out as looking needy and complicated.
Scratch that: I am needy and complicated. Little men, ran along now, nothing to see here.
In reality though: I’m just looking for a love that’s out of this world. Something unquestionable. Something undeniable. Something that I don’t need to beg for. Simple. Right?
A rebellious complication of wild introversion.
Unlike most introverts, I’m not private for shit. I like telling people about my life, my struggles. I’m an open book.
I’m shy around new company but I’m not shy in expressing emotion. I’m one if those PDA types.
I believe in flaunting emotion. I’m an emotional being. I intensely feel and I freakin’ love it.
It doesn’t take much effort to make me smile but it doesn’t take much effort to piss me off for a week either.
I believe that the world needs to see more love, more happiness out in the open. It’s a step to healing. And trust me, the world, it needs healing.
For me, flaunting emotion is a way of sending ‘positive vibes’ to the universe.
My best friend learnt from way back that any time me and him walked together, I had to be holding some part of him. Even without knowing, I’d find myself reaching out for his hand.
Each time my sisters and I are going to the supermarket, I always find a way to make them join me in singing aloud along the road and dancing without giving two shits if our neighbour is looking.
I always ask my sisters: So what? Will they sue me because I’m happy? If want to sing and dance on this dusty road then I will. They don’t like it? Tell them to look away then.
Same thing with most of my friends. I’m drawn to people who aren’t scared of being emotional versions of themselves because people are watching.
Life is short. Live it well.
Today, change changed.
And on that fateful Thursday morning, change changed. I realized that everything can change while remaining exactly the same. And for me, that’s the best kind of change.
It’s the unknown with the known. It’s fear and excitement all at once.
And I’ll be damned if I don’t ride this one to my beautiful sunset.